One thing I wanted to find while on exchange was a clear sense of purpose. Free from the crushing weight of school projects and the droning voices of disinterested professors, I thought I would have more head space to think about me. I fantasised about pensive moments while sipping a perfectly-foamed latte; pen poised over notebook, eyes focused at infinity - and then - sudden flashes of inspiration, frantic scribbling, the tingling warmth of dawning realisation.
Fast forward to the halfway point of exchange: I have found that perfect cuppa, but I have yet to find me.
 |
| Being an insufferable hipster at Streamer Coffee Co, courtesy of Leonard's beautiful Mamiya 645 |
On hindsight, that fantasy seems more than a touch inspired by the muses of Kinfolk, the magazine which I like the idea of liking, but I suspect do not actually like. There's just something about serif typefaces, muted colour tones and pictures of vacant-eyed subjects that appeals to the darkest depths of my soul. Yet, delve beyond the aesthetic and the philosophy of Kinfolk just doesn't jive with me.
I do not live life slowly, and judging from the way I make life decisions (such as my major), certainly do not live intentionally. The problem being that I'm not sure what my intention is, and so I have led life following society's suggestions and expectations. Real satisfaction eludes me, and the past two semesters have been disastrous.
On one hand, I want to be the brazen, dynamic youth - keen to chart new waters and acting only for herself. On the other hand, I desire stability, wealth and if I'm honest, some measure of guaranteed societal respect for my profession? Granted, these are not necessarily discordant. They seem so only because I'm not sure what acting for myself entails.
At least I realised something. This is my quarter-life crisis.
I too, have just been drifting along and have been living the brazen, dynamic life while here on exchange xD let's delay all the heavy responsibilities in life
ReplyDeleteI feel you about the quarter life crisis man. Throw in a bit of an existential crisis too lol. There are so many questions that are unanswerable. In picking this major as my field, am I doing it out of genuine interest or was my decision swayed by what society deems as practical, necessary, logical? Do we have a bigger purpose in life? And the only reason we can't attain it is because of societal constraints, a fear of the unknown, of being the first to step foot in places no person has before (are we even capable of finding such a place ourselves?), etc.
ReplyDeleteTbh the cafe thing was one of those little fantasies of mine too ahaha sitting at a table (mahogany! as that lady in the hunger games would've sharply commented) next to the glass partition painted with raindrops with a little notebook and pen in hand, watching the world outside the cafe go by while creating one of my own that would only exist in my head until ink bled into paper. Reality was, that didn't happen lmao. Instead I went back to school in sg suffering and questioning the need for me to work myself into the ground, until I was on the verge of emotional and mental breakdowns, until I did actually have an emotional breakdown. Still haven't found a purpose, still wondering if I'm studying what I study because I like it, because I think I can use it for the greater good, or am I just convincing myself that I really want it to hide the fact that it's really not the life I want for myself.
Wow that turned really long and really dark. Come Zworms we shall have long, deep, profound conversations with each other when you return. What fun :D